Is my girlfriend a spy?

How the spy test works

Every relationship has a moment of doubt. Why does she always sit facing the door? Why does he know so much about your company’s servers? This flowchart settles it in about four questions, with all the rigour of a doodle on the back of a beer mat.

Start by picking girlfriend, boyfriend or partner and, if you like, typing their first name. Then tell the chart what you do for a living. People who work in AI, government or crypto are obvious targets for foreign intelligence, so they get their own branches. Everyone else gets the questions about sunglasses, restaurant seating and suspicious knowledge of CCTV.

Reading your verdict

Each path ends in a stamp. SPY is self-explanatory. Probably not a spy means no red flags, which is, of course, exactly what a good spy would want. Could still be a spy means keep watching. A few paths end somewhere stranger, like the HMRC agent or a result so sensitive it has been redacted.

Share it with them

The best part is sending the result to the person you’ve just investigated. Tap Share and they get a link that opens on your verdict, with the path you took drawn out underneath, so they can see exactly which answer gave them away. You can also save the result as a picture for the group chat.

Is any of this real?

No. It’s a joke, and a daft one. No real spy agency was consulted, the questions prove nothing and the result changes nothing. The name you type stays on your device and only appears in a link you choose to share. If you genuinely think someone is up to something, talk to them, not to a flowchart.